Where have I been?
The short answer is…taking a break. Truth be told, after our IVF Fail I really didn’t know what words to put out into the world. Even if they were just for me. I decided to ghost the blog and the YouTube channel for a bit because they were just outlets for me and I really didn’t need them at the time, I needed my husband and God and Time.
However, that’s what happens isn’t it? God closes doors only to open others. I didn’t know what my reaction to our IVF results would be like but I actually held it together really well, and that kind of (for lack of a better word) weirded me out a bit. But a couple of weeks later my husband and I decided that we needed a break from the world of trying to conceive and decided a one year pause would be perfect for us to get back on our feet. I wanted to focus on my marriage and my relationship with God.
Just like that, God reminded me that He is in total control and that He knows our hearts and will provide. Two and a half months after IVF we got BIG NEWS!
God has given me many surprises but this one…guys, believe me when I say, I was in shock. We hadn’t been focused on any of it, we meant the whole “taking a break” plan and we were feeling so good about it. Well now we know why. I was late (I felt that it was just because I didn’t know exactly what my cycles would be like following IVF) and I had been off every single medicine. But for some reason, it nagged at my husband and he kept telling me to test. I thought he was crazy to be honest. I finally gave in and did just that and let me just say, I felt like a complete idiot. I even said to myself while peeing, “this is the silliest thing” and I almost forgot to even check the test in two minutes. I got up and walked in to throw it in the trash, yes I did throw it away. But then I spun around and in that moment every single muscle in my body froze. I picked it up and for the first time ever, two lines! TWO LINES! For a split second I’m pretty sure I blacked out, ha. But then I yelled to my husband and ran in the living room shaking and in full fledge tears.
He froze too. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure he didn’t even believe it. We just stared at it for what felt like forever. Minutes passed as we just cried and shook and stared. Finally the only thing I could think to do was text a photo to my IVF nurse. She was just about to text me to see how we were holding up and to discuss plans…she was overjoyed and immediately ordered labs. We were the only three people in the world who knew for a bit and that felt so special to me. Our labs tripled and quadrupled and that was it, we are pregnant. We waited as long as we could but that sweet big mouth husband of mine couldn’t keep it together a minute longer and one by one we shared the news with family and friends.
I know we had to go through what we did. Our marriage is so strong because of our journey, our joy for this news is so big and our appreciation for life and this struggle is a big part of what has shaped us as a family. God meant for it to go this way and it makes perfect sense now.
As of today, I’m 21 weeks with our little boy and our excitement is just uncontrollable at this point. It has been so weird experiencing a whole new kind of journey and praising God every second of everyday for this little miracle.